There have been a couple of posts lately that I have alluded to some “news” I was planning to share. I haven’t been able to put the words together until now, I guess.
This year has been quite the turn of events. I feel like I just had my 27th birthday, and at the same time, I don’t even feel like the same girl who wrote this post 8 months ago: on turning 27. I felt so full of life, hope, and excitement. And just a few short months later, I felt so full of fear, anxiety, and confusion. I explained that whole experience in my post: not one single thing. I had to learn to lean into Christ and fix my eyes on Jesus like never before. I grew in prayer and in relying on Scripture. I was truly learning to need God every moment.
Then, in the first few days of August this year I had a baseball-sized cyst burst on my left ovary. Oh goodness, it was painful. It was also heartbreaking when the initial news was that there was a possiblity I had cancer, an ectopic pregnancy, and a bicornuate uterus (which makes having children difficult…and is probably my biggest fear in life).
Then I came to find out that none of this was true! Um, talk about a roller coaster! I had some CRY days…you know those days? Where you just ugly cry and weep and mourn. Doctors told me that my pain and injuries were abnormal, but normal (yeah…idk). They told me to wait and heal and come back in a few weeks because they weren’t exactly sure what they were looking at.
Well, it’s October now and the news didn’t really get better. I still have a very large black area on my left ovary. It could be a cyst and it could be some issue with my fallopian tube. They just aren’t sure. So now I have to choose: surgery or pills. I don’t want to do either. But either way…this, seemingly, puts having children on hold indefinitely. If you know me at all, you know that being a mother is one of the deepest desires of my heart.
Ultimately, I know that God is so so good and He already has this all figured out for us. Whatever the outcome, I belong to Him, He has given me all of Himself, and I have received the joy of Salvation. This is all my hope. But, yet again, I wait.
I started saying this thing this summer, “I think the theme of my life here, that God is always trying to teach me, is to wait.” Today I thought I would share a list of things that have been worth the wait…and I hope to someday come back to this list and add “children” to it. Until then, here’s what God has granted me thus far, though the waiting was hard:
- My husband. He was my crush, my friend, and dream guy. He still is. Worth every bit of the wait.
- Friends. There were many times of loneliness before God brought the right friends into my life.
- Physical intimacy in marriage. I think we can all relate to why waiting for sex and connection is a challenge. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.
- College acceptance. I know I ended up at the right school and program, but before I got there everything felt so big and unknown.
- Job. It took a while before I started working a full time job after college. I wanted it to be something I would actually really enjoy and that would utilize my strengths. And now I have a legitimately cool job! Although…I still don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up”, ha! (unless you count being a mom…but we went over that, hehe.)
The 5 things listed above may seem like a short list…but, goodness, so many many months and years went into each of them.
What can I see in all of them? God’s sovereignty, His faithfulness, and His love in all of it. So why wouldn’t that be true for my future “waits” as well?
Like I said before, I hope to come back to this list someday and add “children”. Maybe even adding more education through CCEF…owning my own bakery/coffee shop…being a missionary in a foreign country…
God has it all in His hands. And His hands are GOOD.
What are some things God has made you wait for? Can you see the value and worth in it after the fact?